Conflict

As I’m approaching my 30^th birthday in a little over 6 months, I’m trying to grasp at the reality that I’ve lived what could possibly be 1/3 of my life.  I am in no way regretful of what the last 29 years have held for me.  I’ve realized many highs, lows, successes, failures, and uncertainties.  I’ve dealt with death, school, work, moving, living abroad, puppy love, and so on and so forth.  I wouldn’t be the person I am today without every single event that has happened in the last 29 years.

I feel like I am at a relatively good point in my life right now.  I have a job that I’ve been at for almost 6.5 years.  It is an exciting place where I work – our enrollment has been up every single year in which I’ve worked there and great things are in the works in the area.  I have health insurance, I’m taking a supervisory class and I work with some of the greatest people in the whole U.  Both my dad & stepdad are currently holding steady in their fights with cancer.  I’m in the best place financially that I’ve been in many, many years.  I am so close with my nephews and still love them to pieces.  I’ve finally given up babysitting, and I’m okay with that.  I am also okay with being single and not sure of what the future holds, in regard to “the one.”  They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, and I’m content with “working on me.”

But I also feel I’m still searching for more.  I’m longing to leave the sense of security I so desperately need, behind.  I’ve lived in this tiny little apartment for 6 years.  I’d like to move to a place where I can have a kitchen table and more counter space.  Perhaps maybe even a refrigerator that doesn’t “shiver” and matching countertops if I’m lucky.  (NOTE:  My mom has rented this place to me over the last 6 years for a STEAL.  I am not complaining about that by any means – I am blessed.  But, I feel like its time to move on.  And with me moving on, she can get a new renter and ask for more rent!)   I feel like I’m spinning my wheels at work.  I don’t feel challenged.  Every day I know what the day holds.  There typically aren’t many surprises.  There isn’t much new to learn, to absorb.  And in all honesty, I feel like I’ve gone as far as I will go in my department, and I don’t really want to move elsewhere in the university.  While I’m appreciative of what I’ve learned and what I’ve established for myself, I want more.

I’m not great at dedicating myself to things.  When I was in middle school and high school, I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up:  a teacher.  I had countless amazing teachers in middle school & high school and I could not wait to be like those teachers.  I wanted to touch lives like they did mine.  I got to WMU and went straight to it.  Then I failed all of my classes except for 1 my first semester.  Then I got mono.  And then I dropped out for a year.  The odds were most certainly against me.  I started a job I loved at BC and decided to start taking classes there.  Almost immediately, I knew I hated it.  I had to go back to WMU.  I missed my friends, I missed being on a college campus, I missed Kalamazoo.  And by January, 2001, I went back.  Of course being 1.5 years behind my peers, I was practically starting anew.  And with starting anew, I realized getting into the Education program at WMU would take me much longer than what I had anticipated.  I gave up on that dream.  I found a great love for my Spanish courses and threw myself into that.  In the mean time, I thought of doing Nursing or Physical Therapy (mostly because of a boy I was in love with at that time).  But I wasn’t about to immerse myself in math or science., so those were quickly ruled out  My love for Spanish grew.  I had 2 outstanding Spanish professors who motivated me.  I studied in Spain.  I took every class I could in the subject.  I excelled.  I thought maybe I could be a Spanish professor.  But more importantly, I just wanted to obtain the bachelor’s degree.  I wanted to be DONE.  One of those Spanish professors told me “why do you want to be done so bad?  Stay in school.  Once you graduate, all you have to look forward to is working for the rest of your life.”  Oh Mariola, how right you were! 

Since I graduated from WMU 6 years ago, I’ve considered and started down many avenues.  I started the MLS program at UMF but didn’t find myself ready to pursue graduate school wholeheartedly after 1 class.  I re-realized my love of working with kids and decided to take an early childhood class at Mott that I loved and did well in.  But I wasn’t sure that having a BA and Associates in Early Childhood was the right route.  I started working on my teaching certificate at UMF.  I did school full-time and worked full-time.  To obtain my teaching certificate there, I would need to take at least 90 credit hours.  It was discouraging to say the least and after 2 semesters I threw the towel in.  In 2008 I was promoted to my current position as advisor at UMF.  I heard about a program at K-State that was online for academic advising.  It sounded perfect!  I was excited about starting the program and pursuing something relevant to my job.  But I quickly found I lacked the self-discipline for an online program and just didn’t find the program all that enthralling.  I was back to square 1.

Are you sensing a theme here?  I basically give up on many things I start in life (this has been with me since childhood:  dance, violin, coronet, dance team, soccer) trying to figure out what else there is.  And that’s the point I feel like I’ve come back to now.

I’m 29 years old.  I’m supposed to have life all figured out.  I’m not supposed to be asking myself what the hell I want to do now.  I’m 6 years into a job I could quite possibly retire from in 24 years.  But it’s not what I want.  It’s not what I think I was put onto this earth for.

To be continued…