It's so hard to say goodbye

I'm not good at goodbyes. Period.

I cried when I left middle school.

I cried for days during the last week of high school.

I got weepy when my brother moved to Oregon.

I didn't cry when I left Michigan for Spain. I bawled when I left Spain. And when my mom greeted me at the airport after being away for 5 weeks, I cried because I wanted to be back in Spain.

I had a bit of a teary spell the night before my surgery.

Deaths - forget it. You might as well just avoid me for a few months. Uncle Matt died 23 years ago and I still cry when I hear songs that remind me of him.

My dad is leaving for Texas tomorrow. He no longer lives in Michigan. And although when he is Texas, I talk to him like 1-2 times a week, when he is here - it makes that distance so much less realistic. It doesn't seem like he's so far away, that I don't see him but 2-3 times a year.

And then he comes home. We have lunch and dinners together. He comes over to my house to visit, and to watch movies with my Roman. It's like we are a family again - the boys hanging all over my dad & Brenda, and us just being around...it's as if no time has passed.

Then he has to leave again. He doesn't have a house here anymore. He misses his own bed, his routine - his chair at dialysis in Seguin. And I can't blame him. I miss my bed after all of like 1 night.

But it breaks my heart. It's been weighing on me for like a week, that he would have to leave. Even now after I have said my goodbyes, I have a knot in my stomach. I don't want him to leave. I don't want him to be far away. It's selfish - but I want to know he's just a car ride away when I need him. I watch Chase with him - Chase is totally enamored with his papa - and I hate that when I have kids, they won't have that.

But most of all, I miss him because he's my dad. Because when I cry, he still doesn't know what to do with me. He knows to hug me and be a dad, but he isn't quite sure what to do to comfort me. Because we laugh the same, and just sitting next to him, not saying a word makes me content. It helps me to know that I am loved and even though we may not totally get each other - this man & his only daughter - that I am his baby and that's what I will always be. Because every time I'm with him I seem to learn just a bit more about him. And it's ridiculous that there is so much of my dad this is a mystery to me after 27 years. Because I know his health isn't the best and I want to be there in a flash if he were sick or Brenda needed a break. Because he is the only father I will ever have - through thick & thin, sickness & health, heartbreak and good times, he will always be my daddy and I will always be his girl.

Most girls grow up with their daddy wrapped around their finger and to them, their dad is everything they want their future husbands to be. I won't lie and say my childhood with my dad was always perfect. But there comes a point in life where you put the bad and not-so-good to the side and love your dad for the man he is, and the way he has always loved you, his daughter. My dad will always be my first "love."

Daddy, I love you...I will always be your little girl.

Your Little Tortilla (: